My return

It’s been a long time since I last updated this blog. Part of me feels awkward about returning, and I don’t feel like I can return without some kind of explanation as to what happened during my absence; and what has brought me back.

When I initially started this blog I was 15 years old, I am currently 20 years of age, turning 21 in August of this year. At 15 this blog was a place for me to release much of the internal frustration and destruction that riddled my brain, it was a save space for me to speak my mind, without judgment or negativity. But mostly is was somewhere I could pretend, I could pretend I was okay and distract myself with other people’s struggles. Since then, everything has changed.

I completed my first year studying psychology at university and now have a certificate of higher education in psychology. I moved out of the toxic home environment I was living in, away from everything I knew and loved. I found a job that has helped keep me in a routine despite my on going physical and mental health issues. I passed my driving test, and owned the car of dreams. My beautiful Connie-bobs, my 2001 MX5 1.8. I took a huge step and moved out into my own flat, and have been happily living virtually independently for the past 6 months. I’ve suffered with my longtime chronic health conditions as I always do, and had to make the sad but sensible decision to sell my MX5 and by and sensible car more suitable for my needs. I have made so many new friends, and parted with many who I thought the world of; but I have learned that time changed everything, friendships included. I started volunteering with the Aldingbourne Trust, hosting Autism & disability friendly club nights, events that allow everybody to experience a true night club atmosphere, and supporting people to live their lives to the fullest. Which has helped me massively and provides such positive experience, I am proud to be a part of something so wonderful.

But most importantly I have the most amazing relationship with my Boyfriend, my pigeon, the most amazing strong kind hearted man that constantly puts me first. Nearly 2 years on together and I’ve never been happier. My god I know I have put him through so much, but he continues to stand by me, support me, and always reminds me how truly loved I am. I am incredibly lucky and so grateful for that.

The last time I posted on this blog was for eating disorders awareness week 2018. For 15 months I completely forgot the blog existed, whether that be consciously or unconsciously I’m not too sure. However things haven’t been as good as I could have hoped recently. In January I experienced some health problems which meant I spent a month being incredibly ill. Having a low immune system means I get ill a lot, which has a massive impact on my mental health.

After having an incredibly bad day recently, I made some choices and poor decisions I massively regret, however I have now spent enough time beating myself up about. After my bad patch, I did one of the most spontaneous things I have ever done, I flew to Paris with a friend for a few days away. I had some holiday left at work and desperately needed to escape my intrusive thoughts, and the constant feeling of drowning. I had the most wonderful trip, so relaxed and unplanned, it was beautifully freeing to escape and explore, just because I could. It reminded me how much the world and life had to offer, if you take the step.

I have returned from Paris feeling completely refreshed, it gave me some headspace to work on myself, my negative thoughts and self image, and to just relax and to live. The reason I decided to return to this blog is because I want to go back to documenting my ups and downs, and to hopefully be able to help and support people along the way like I used to. But this time, I’m going to be true to myself, no more pretending, faking or obsessively worrying about what people think and how I am perceived.

I am taking back control of my life, going back to doing things because they make me happy, and because I can. Because everybody deserves to be happy; and if you can’t be happy within yourself, you will never truly be happy.

So welcome back to Not a definition, or if you are new, welcome to my weird little world. I am sorry about the absence, but I am now finally in a healthy mental position to be able to take back my happiness.

Thank you,

Much love to you all,

Emily Jazz Behan ❤️

Be true to yourself…

Eating Disorder Awareness Week 2018

The 26th of February to the 4th of March is Eating Disorder awareness week.

As many of you will know this is a topic incredibly close to my heart. My battle with eating disorders began in 2013 and still impacts my daily life today. I’ve been recovered from anorexia for over 3 years now, but every day is still a battle, to remember that food is fuel and I am worthy of it.

Like me approximately 1.25 million people in the UK alone suffer from an eating disorder; about 11% of these people are male. Anorexia ruined my life, it took away my friends, hurt my family, caused me to lie, my hair fell out in handfuls, I’d faint upwards of 10 times a day, my fingernails were blue and despite it being summer, I would remain locked in my room with the heating full blast. On the 13th of October 2014 I entered anorexia recovery. Ever since, I’ve remained within a healthy weight range with large fluctuations, so psychically I am recovered and have been for a long time. However, I am a long way off being recovered mentally. Whenever I’m stressed it’s like a default setting, I somehow end up back at food restricting or binging, fighting.

Physically anorexia has left a lasting impact. I fractured my pelvis, this was an insufficiency fractured caused by my weakened bones. This triggered a condition called chronic functional pain syndrome, which leaves me in pain everyday without an organic physical cause. Despite still struggling everyday with my disordered eating and thoughts, I am in a better place. No matter how bad things are, I now realise I HAVE to eat, to live, to laugh and enjoy every single moment of life I can. Food is not my enemy, I am not defined by a number.

If you or someone you know is suffering from an eating disorder I urge you to seek help, as overwhelming and daunting as it may seem, once you make the first step in asking for help, you can begin to not only recover from but understand your eating disorder. I am so pleased to say recovery has been a rough and rocky road, but I’m still here, still fighting, still beating my battle every day. For more wonderful information about eating disorders or to learn more about Eating Disorder Awareness Week please visit the BEAT website.

PS: Thank you if you have read this far, and I would like to apologise for my lack of activity on my blog; However with my current university commitments it is hard to post regularly. I hope you are all doing well,

Love from, Emily x

Managing Mental illness with art

Recently, art has become by gateway to inner peace.

Photographing and poetry are my favourite alternative methods of communication my deepest emotions. Within are there are no rights and wrongs, everything is down to interpretation.

‘A place you can call home’ is my latest poem I have uploaded to my channel. I kept this poem utterly open-ended; meaning the purpose behind it alters from person to person. It is all down to interpretation.

I have now incorporated my passion for photography into my YouTube channel. The thumbnails for my most recent videos have all been updated, they are now each a piece of my own photography.

Let me know what, if any art forms help you remain calm, in difficult situations.

Please feel free to check out my most recent poem, ‘A place you can call home‘.

 

 

 

 

An evil game.

Pray for humanity

When terrorist attacks usually happen, it doesn’t always feel real. The places are far away and you never think that might be you. What has happened in Paris has hit us so hard; for Paris is just over 300 miles away. That is too close for comfort. I am not saying that other terrorist attacks are insignificant; but this one is close to home. If this has happened 300 miles away, what is stopping it happening here?
Everybody is in shock. Disneyland is shut for the first ever time since opening in 1992. What is wrong with this world? Innocent humans murdered while living their everyday lives.
While everybody is so caught up in events close to home we are forgetting the ISIS attack in Lebanon and the bombings in Baghdad. These tragic man made disasters. This could all have been avoid.
People in Japan and Mexico are suffering hugely due to the natural forces of Mother Nature. Despite all of the natural turmoil, people are still out to kill.
Forget ‪#‎prayforparis‬ as religion has already caused so much damage. All people suffering are in my thoughts.
Despite all of this tragedy everyone manages to pull together for support.
‪#‎prayforhumanity‬

Sensory issues past childhood.

Sensory issues later in life.

I am currently 16 years old; an age I never thought I would reach, however sensory issues still majorly impact my life. Being diagnosed with ASD has made my life more manageable, and I now understand why I have so many quirks.

Having recovered from anorexia, I am constantly determined to never let my weight slip too low. This is somewhat a problematic task as many of my sensory issues are food related. I am currently struggling to maintain my weight as my list of “safe foods” is rapidly decreasing.

A therapist I had a while ago helped me to better understand how Autism and Sensory issues go hand in hand. Food, to me, can seem very overwhelming, and at times repulsive. Of course anxiety has a major impact upon appetite and I frequently feel nauseated. The only foods I am currently comfortable consuming are plain. Beige or yellow in colour, I feel that this removes the overwhelmingness. I also find having a large quantity of food on my plate also puts me off; so plain foods little and often it is.

I would like to point out that there is a massive difference between picky eating and a more serious issue. I have never been picky but I go though phases with what I am comfortable eating.

I believe this is how I fell into disordered eating habits which later developed into anorexia, however I do know that food isn’t the enemy, and the nourishment is essential. I have had to go back to basics with food, however I am not slipping back into disordered habits. ASD has it’s ups and downs; my weight doesn’t have to follow suit.

I would love to hear everybody’s experiences and tips with ASD and/or sensory issues.

A year on

Today is the 27th of August 2015.

Tomorrow is my birthday: and it will mark a year on with my life.
If somebody told me a year ago; that within 52 weeks, my life would be utterly different, I would have laughed. “There is no way I will be alive in a years time!” I would have exclaimed. Yet here I am.

I should have died a year ago; so in my eyes now, everything is a bonus.

A year ago tomorrow:

I was an absolute wreck; utterly consumed with anorexia, trapped within my depression and claustrophobic within myself. The thought of having to survive another year, was torturous.

I overdosed; after having a pointless meeting with my social worker, and my desperate pleas for help ignored. At this time I was on antidepressants and anti-psychotic medication, but it had made me worse, before anything could get better. I was isolated; the white noise in my head was louder than ever; and among the stifled screams of my parents, I snapped. Frantically ransacking the kitchen, I found my anti-psychotics. The earth fell away from beneath my feet.

After being denied treatment from paramedics; my parents drove me to hospital. My brain -now utterly poisoned by my overdose- fired obscene abuse at my parents; I hated them for making me live.

I collapsed on the A&E reception floor. Yet did not get seen for a further 50 minutes. I was hallucinating and incredibly aggressive as I had taken 12x the average dose of medication.

Within an instant my remaining shreds of dignity were torn from me. Being forced out of my safe clothes; that clung to my bones. I was left fully exposed. My left arm had over 40 cuts where I had had a mental breakdown earlier that day. I stood in a clinical room, naked, in front of 2 judgmental professionals, I was interrogated. Searched head- toe for cuts, and hooked up to an ECG machine.

I was later informed that I had consumed a lethal dose of medication; that works my slowing the heart. I had an incredibly low heart rate to begin with :52. This plummeted to just 14. The artificial lighting and the lack of support was only making matters worse. I ran away from the hospital.

I do not remember that journey home. If I had fallen asleep at this point, I would have never woken up. I woke up the next morning, and suddenly realised that I wasn’t dead, I had been given another chance.

I am not saying that miracles happen; a year of tears, hard work and determination has got me to where I am now.

However I do not take the credit for this transformation myself. If it wasn’t for my supportive family and friends; who went on a journey to hell and back, none of this would have happened.

I still take my anti-depressants and take sleeping medication. I no longer take anti-psychotics.

I am now back to a healthy and stable weight; and love embracing my new found curves.

I am now discharged from therapy; and went above and beyond expectations in my GCSEs.

Finally, I now have a life that isn’t ruled by depression and calories; I love each and everyone of my friends; and truly treasure every moment.

Of course I still have mad days; but now there is a beam of light, in the darkest places.